I'm really scared to go back to SU next semester. I really don't see it being a good thing over there. I'm going to have to relive so many problems I escaped from in Europe as well as the big social problem that developed in Europe. I don't really wanna go back to SU.

The culture shock of being back in the US sucks.

Experience wise: France has been the best thing of my life. I'm meant to live in Europe and unless I pursue more broadway, I think I'll end up living in somewhere in Europe. I love it to death. And this semester has been wonderful with all the traveling and wonderful experiences I've been able to have. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Socially: this has been one of the worst semesters of my life. Emotionally, it's been better than freshman year of high school by far. It would be very hard for anything to be worse than freshman year of high school. But as far as friends and relationships are concerned, this semester has bombed. I've never been more lonely. This is the sole reason I'll be happy to come back to the US and will be one of my biggest fears about going back to SU in the fall.

Ok, so I used to reserve a big portion of my xanga writing for the subject of boys. I'd talk about the latest drama in my life with guys and use cute little code names for them for the small chance that they would actually read my xanga. That stopped because 1) the guy I liked at the time knew his code name (which has happily changed to something better suited!) and 2) I like to think I had matured a little bit since then. So, I guess in my terms, I'm being imature right now because I just need to talk about guys - still with code names where appropriete. haha

I'm desperate as all fuck. (haha how's that for a sexy start?) Now, I'm not desperate enough to take in strays and compromise my safety or anything. A pretty cute guy, though like 5-10 years older wanted to buy me a drink the other day but I was alone and he was a complete stranger and I'm deffinately NOT going to be that stupid. None the less, why is it that only older guys who don't know me want to go out with me? It can't be my looks if people want to buy me drinks who don't know my personality. So what's wrong with my personality? Am I too motherly? Too confident? Too stuck up? Too easy-looking? What? I have a million friends but no one wants to go out with me. How does that work? I have an online friend who only reads my personality. He would at least have sex with me. Do I smell? Is there a problem with the way I dress? What is it?

I'm desperate as all fuck. I would go out with just about anyone I know at least once. I mean, not that I want or need to be friends with that person - just an aquaintence would be awesome. If I don't think there's chemistry, I won't go out with you a second time.

Things adding to my desperation: lack of history with guys, PDA that radiates frorm the streets of France (fierce making out is NOT reserved just for movie theaters), feeling of being alone in Strasbourg, not having guys I can flirt with, hormones, longing to be over LMan.

I've had a crush on LMan for over a year. I know it would never work between us because work is way too high a priority for him and he never has time for anything but work and I would need to be with him more often. None the less, workaholism, not seeing him since early December, and generally not communicating with him have not stopped this crush. I often wonder about this "crush" and wonder if it's really just a crush. I wonder a lot about it but I don't like to think about it. I really really really miss LMan. I don't think he's the kind of guy to be able to handle that kind of news though. I feel like if he ever found out how I feel about him, things would get so awkward and just never be the same. I deffinately don't want that to happen. If I had a guy, period, I'd hopefully be able to get over LMan.

I need a guy. I don't know how I'm even still a virgin. I still don't know how it is I've never even made out with a guy. I just want a guy I can take care of and who will take care of me in return.

I don't think anyone came to my choir concert. :(

Ok, so here's a question about complaining and talking about people on xanga: if the public can see your xanga, does that mean that when you complain about people, you don't care if specific people read it or not? Because I'd really like to complain about people and I'm pretty sure they don't use xanga. On the other hand, if they DID happen to have a xanga and/or managed to read a post of mine somehow, would I care? Communication is, of course, the best way to solve problems. Them reading a xanga post would be very indirict though. Would those people then say "oh wow, I never looked at it from that point of view before" and get the message? Or would they say "what a bitch! If you have a problem, just say it to my face!?" Of course, the latter is more likely I think - though the least closed minded. Most often if people get complaints about themselves to their faces, they still hate the complainer/critiquer (depending how you look at it) and don't listen to a word of what that person has to say anyway. I mean, how often have I heard " they could have just told me!" for case 1 vs."at least they told me" for case 2? So, then the only option left that won't get anyone pissed off, is to not tell the person that you have a problem with them. So how do problems get fixed?

- A complicated, multi-part question by an angry, angsty, American abroad about an annonymos adversary.